Herbal Essence No 42
by queen-severus
Summary: Yule Ball, Spiked Punch, Hermione, Severus, and Herbal Essence. Need I say more? also listed at lordandladysnape.net. sn: queenseverus (no hyphen)


AN: Kind of a morning-after fic. I have heard from my roommate (Faber Wolffe) that "urge to herbal" fics do occur in fandom and just had to take a stab at it. AU after OOtP.

* * *

Severus Snape woke up very sore. He couldn't remember any reason for said soreness, but it was there nonetheless. "Must be all those days of _Crucio_ finally catching up."

Actually, it was no such thing. Seventh-year Head Girl Hermione Granger had spent the night in his chambers—a fact that he did not remember as Harry and Ron had thought it would be fun to spike the punch at that year's Yule Ball. No one ever had a good time at the dance.

So Harry and Ron put some unbelievably high-proof alcohol into the punch. Within an hour, nearly everyone was far from sober, but everyone _was_ having a better time. Dumbledore and Minerva had finally gotten together in a dark corner after all these years. George and Fred (the newest Defense professors) sat snogging a Patil twin each. Neither twin knew who the other twin was, but at that point they really didn't care. And Harry and Ron were under the Slytherin table shagging each other senseless. Everyone was having a wonderful time.

Except Severus.

Severus sat alone near the bust of Salazar Slytherin at each of these events, nursing a glass of punch. He hated these events. They made him remember just how old, ugly, and horrible he really was. So he sat at each event, sipping punch (which he utterly despised, but at least it gave him something to do with his hands), and glaring at all the students. However, this party, he thought, seemed to be going so much better. At least the punch wasn't half bad.

Now you'd think that a Potions Master would know spiked punch when he tasted it, but as he was not really caring about anything at the moment, he didn't notice. Bad for him.

Hermione wasn't what you'd call a big drinker. Two butterbeers, and she would begin getting the giggles. Just one shot of firewhiskey could yield her incapacitated for hours. So she was wise and didn't drink. Besides, someone had to get the lovebirds back to Gryffindor Tower. Knowing them, they'd fall into some sort of bottomless pit that only Hogwarts could have and not show up for months. Hermione knew her responsibilities.

Hermione scanned the room and giggled. The only people left dancing were Trelawney and Flitwick. This made her smile, as the couple was really rather adorable. That is, until Flitwick rather surreptitiously pinched Trelawney's ass. That was something Hermione never needed to see…

Her eyes happened upon Professor Snape. He was sitting there, slouched in his chair (which for someone with absolutely perfect posture should serve as a wake-up call), mumbling to himself. Hermione crossed the room, leaned down, and asked him if he was ok.

Severus didn't answer her.

"Whatever it is, Professor, I can help"

Severus looked up into her eyes. "Do you really mean that."

Hermione was rather confused, but replied, "Of course I do, sir."

He didn't answer her, but rather grabbed her wrist, pulled her into his lap, and rammed his tongue down her throat.

Not that Severus really cared about her. He'd just been thinking that he needed to get laid, so when Hermione said she'd help him however he needed, his inebriated brain translated it into "Yes, my dear Severus, I will have wild, amazing sex with you."

Unfortunately, what Severus didn't know is that Hermione was aware of a secret. She'd heard Minerva and Madame Hooch describing how they'd gotten Severus drunk at the last staff party and managed to get him to sing karaoke. She deduced from this snippet of information that Snape was easy to manipulate while drunk, as she knew for a fact that a sober Snape would never, iever/i do such a thing.

And why not sleep with the Potions master? It wouldn't be her first time sleeping with a man. Well, no that's not true. It would be her first time sleeping with a man as opposed to a boy. Harry and Ron really didn't count. And after witnessing their antics tonight, it was clear finally clear that ishe/i really wasn't their cuppa.

So when Severus rammed his tongue down her throat, she responded with equal intensity. Severus moaned. He knew he was in for a good night. Fuck the fact that it was a student, he really didn't care. No one had kissed him like this since the days of Narcissa. That only lasted about two weeks, but damn they had a good time before Lucius found out.

Severus was so taken by the kiss that he didn't notice that Hermione had unbuttoned the collar buttons of his shirt. When she broke the kiss, he frowned. That look was soon replaced by a low growl as Hermione's lips, teeth, and tongue attacked his neck. He kneaded her back with his long, delicate fingers, then slid his hands up into her hair, pushing her lips farther into his neck. She attacked his earlobe next, and he squeaked from the shock. Hermione laughed softly into his ear, thinking _Note: completely shaggable Potions Master has sensitive earlobe. Save newfound knowledge for closer scrutiny at later hour._

Severus couldn't take much more of this. His erection was straining against the placket of his trousers, let alone robes. Somehow sensing this, Hermione changed positions slightly, knowing that in doing so she would "accidentally" brush up against the front of his pants. If she thought Snape was turned on before, she was in for quite a shock. He cradled her in his arms, stood up, and carried her to his chambers.

Unfortunately, as smashed as he was that night, the last thing he remembered was getting watching Albus lead Minerva off to a quiet corner while he poured his last cup of punch. _Damn those two, finally getting together. _ He envied them in their Geritol fascination with each other. _Yeah, the sex is going to suck, but at least they'd be getting laid._

So when he woke up, his sheets completely disheveled, he was very confused as how they had gotten that way. He figured he had just had a bad dream.

He stood up and stumbled into his bathroom. God, he felt like crap. His head ached, his hair was completely tousled, and his back was absolutely killing him. He glanced into the mirror a second time and inspected a rather large bruise on his neck. In his half-asleep, hung-over state, he did not think twice about the monstrous hickey on his neck.

He stepped into his shower, turning it completely to hot, hoping to release some of the stiffness from his back. He reached for his shampoo… something wasn't right.

He glanced at the bottle: Herbal Essence. _Damn Albus and his jokes!_

But at the same time, it would take far too much energy to walk to the lab to procure another bottle of his homebrewed specialty. So, he resigned himself to the fact that his hair would smell like strawberries for the rest of the day.

He squeezed a liberal dollop into his palms, rubbed them together, and began applying it to his hair. God, his hair was knotted this morning. He glanced over and saw that yes, Albus had left him a bottle of strawberry conditioner as well. Good thing, as no brush could do anything to this mess.

It wasn't so bad. At least it wasn't freesia. He hated freesia.

Actually, it smelled pretty damned good.

* * *

Hermione awoke, curled up in the Potion's master's king-sized bed. She stood up as carefully as she could, hoping to not wake him, and walked into the bathroom. She inspected the shower. What's this? Severus makes his own shampoo? She lifted the lid, and took a hesitant sniff. It was horrible, and she quickly transfigured it to her favorite Muggle shampoo. Before her shower, she really needed a cup of coffee. She walked out of the kitchen, rummaged around for a few minutes, and was quite surprised to find a bag of Starbucks House Blend already ground. Who thought Severus would have a penchant for Muggle coffee?

She heard the latch of the bathroom door. _Ah, Severus must be up._

She finished filling the coffee pot with the proper measurements. Nothing was more satisfying in the morning than to watch coffee drip slowly into a pot. She lost herself in the aroma for a few minutes.

Hermione blinked. _Oh, shit!_

She remembered what she had done to Snape's shampoo…

_Fuck!_

Yeah, if he wasn't going to kill me already for getting him in the sack, he's sure as hell going to kill me now.

* * *

_Why hasn't anyone told me how wonderful this stuff is?_ This was the first time in his life that one of Albus' pranks had actually paid off. _Gods this is wonderful._ His hair hadn't felt this good in years.

The combination of shampoo and heightened sensitivity left in his system from last night's ministrations caused him to moan rather loudly. In the midst of his reverie, he did not hear Hermione enter the bathroom.

Hermione stifled a giggle. She never thought she's walk into the bathroom to hear Snape getting off on shampoo.

Probably not the best idea she ever had, she pulled aside the curtain, stared at the very gorgeously wet Potions master and stated simply, "I know last night was amazing, Sev, but come on.

In seeing her face, and her naked body, everything… _everything_ from last night came back.

"Oh no…"

* * *

AN: In six years of hindsight, this is incredibly OOC. I apologize for my college self. Hope you enjoy my attempt to salvage this, but I know it's still pretty bad. I may scrap it and rewrite it all some day, but for now, please know I appreciate everyone who reviewed over the years. The reason I'm keeping it online at all is because of you.


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